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What is next?

After more than forty years, it is time to move to the next chapter. For more than half my life time I’ve had the same routines, the same expectations. While that may sound boring, to the contrary it was not. There was a certain peace in knowing what to expect each day. Those expectations and comfort turned into restlessness. Some may think that health issues closed the door, however, those issues only opened the door.

I never considered the avenues I could have taken but for the demands of the career. I have no idea what is next. Gone are the schedules, expectations, demands and I’m free to dream and discover. What is next? I do not know but I’m ready to embrace change.

Change is like an assignment with no boarders and few rules. It gives one the opportunity to put your own stamp on the result. 

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What is next?

How do you embrace change? Is change stressful or freeing? Is change a learning experience? 

Share any examples of how you have handled changes or what you learned from walking through changes in your life.

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Who are you trying to convince?

Worthiness comes from knowing your identity is in Jesus Christ. Often we mistakenly search for our value in this world or from people.

Psalm 23 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

As a child, I cannot tell anyone how many times I read that verse to my great grandmother. We called her Mama and she did enjoy her various infirmaries. When she was under the weather, she always asked me to read Psalm 23.

As an adult I became obsessed with doing a perfect job. I worked extra hours and made sure that my work was complete beyond any standard my employer set. Everything had to be perfect.

One day, my manager told me that everyone knew how good I was at my job and he asked my who I was trying to convince that I was adequate. That conversation has lasted with me over the years. At the time, I did not know what the manager meant. As the years rolled by and I became even more of a workaholic always striving to produce a perfect and complete work product, I would recall that manager’s question. Who am I trying to convince?

After many years in my career, I felt burned-out and just plain tired. I no longer had any joy in the perfect. The balance between home and career was very unbalanced. I felt pulled in too many directions and it was impossible to provide ”perfect” everywhere. I stopped and thought, who am I trying to convince?

My desire to perform perfectly came from a deep-seated fear of being unworthy and unaccepted and unloved. Could I never break-free? Who was I trying to convince with all the perfectly worked job duties even if it required massive amounts of time to produce? Why did I have this driven desire to be perfect? My manager was right, everyone knew that I knew how to do my job and do it well. So who else was I trying to convince?

Then I thought about Psalm 23. The Lord is my guide. He gives me a safe place to rest. He provides all that I need. Even when I find myself in a dark place, He is there to guide me and help me feel secure. I know that I am loved, accepted and seen as God sees me perfect just as He created me. My heart is lifted because I know that HIs Love will be with me forever.

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My Friend

True friendship is a treasure. It should be treated like a valuable possession and always nurtured.

Let me tell you about my friend.  She is a mighty woman of God.  We are so alike and yet so very different.  Our bond of friendship is so unlikely, unexpected and so cherished.  When I am down, she is ready to help me to stand.  When I need to be called out, she will do it.  She will listen to my ideas and my point of view even if she does not agree.  She is unpredictable and spontaneous.  She is an adventure.  I never know for sure what I will experience when we are on a “mission” even if it is just a trip to the grocery store, other than it will be out of the ordinary.

I have watched her accomplish tasks I would not have thought were in her wheelhouse and she excelled.  I have seen her hold her tongue when I thought it impossible.  I’ve seen her extend grace and forgiveness when I would not have done the same.  I’ve watched her grow in areas that I did not think would be easy, but she never gave up until she reached another level.

I have laughed so hard until my ribs ached and my eyes poured tears, ruining my make-up.  I have smiled so much my face hurt.  I have been thoroughly entertained.  I have learned joy and peace from my friend.

I have been frustrated, annoyed and just plain put-out with my friend.  I have been motivated, prodded, pushed and dumped like a baby bird pushed out the nest and forced to fly.  I’ve been forced to become like an acrobat walking a tight rope with no net when actually my friend was always there to catch me if I should stumble.

I’m a disciple of Jesus and my friend is always ready to talk to me about God and the Bible.  When I needed a prayer warrior for myself or others, I can always depend on my friend to join with me.

I value my friend and respect her.  I’m comfortable that she feels the same.  The best thing about my friend is that I love her and I know she loves me.  Despite all our differences, God brought us together.   We have found common ground in our backgrounds, trials, tribulations, and our love of the Lord.  I am so honored that my friend shares the journey as we walk with the Lord.

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Tan Dog

A couple of years ago, I adopted a brindle colored Chihuahua dog that I named Bella. Bella means “beautiful”. I wasn’t in the market to adopt another dog. I already had four dogs at the time. However, her foster family called her “Tan Dog” because they were partial to the white fluffy type of dog. Bella was a beautiful brindle color but was not valued by her foster family.

“Tan Dog” reminded of the story of Leah, the unloved wife of Jacob. Leah knew she was unloved as Jacob only had eyes for Rebecca. A relationship begun with lies and deceit is not one that is likely to succeed. However, regardless of the deceit that Leah participated in by tricking Jacob, God still showed her love and mercy when she turned to Him.

We have all experienced times in our life when we were the “Tan Dog”. It is painful to feel unloved, unappreciated and undervalued. Like Leah, we find ourselves striving to please people so that we will be accepted, valued, not dishonored, and loved. As much effort as we expend, we never get that pure love that we desire.

That is not how God sees us. We are created in His image, and perfect. God sees us at our highest “best self” even if we are not quite there. His love for us is patient, kind, not envious, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking. He is faithful even we are not.

When I look at “Tan Dog” I see Bella (beautiful) and I am reminded that in God’s eyes, I am beautiful, loved, full of joy and valued. I belong to Jesus.

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Part of the family identity

Do we identify with the world? Perhaps we need to check that and learn who we really are.

Why do we give our children chores to complete? Why do our employers give us goals to meet? Most people would say that children need to be taught responsibility and we would agree. Most people would say employees need to have a guide as to what is expected of them and measurement for how well they completed their tasks. I think that there is a whole lot more involved.

Children need to feel that they are part of the family; that they have a job to fulfill. They need to feel a sense of accomplishment and vitalness. Employees do need to understand what is expected of them by their employers. They need to feel that their function is vital to the employer’s success. Employees need to “buy” into the company and the job. They need to feel that they matter to the organization.

When people start to feel that they add no value to their families, their jobs, their community, they begin to deteriorate and move into negative thoughts or activities. It easy to see how we have equated our personal value with what we bring to our families, friends, jobs and communities. We view our actions as our identity.

Consider that our actions (our “works”) will not earn us a place at the Lord’s table. Should we realign our view of our identity ? Is our obsession with work whether that be at a job or within our families or communities causing us to see our identity in how well we and others judge our success? It we decide that we are seeing our identity in this way, are we living as the world?

My husband wants to do all the cooking and preparation for the holidays. It’s funny to remember that in our earlier years that I did all the cooking and preparation. Slowly my husband began to do some preparation work and later he learned how to prepare my recipes. He had a few mistakes along the way and quickly he has became very good with the meals.

This year, he insists that I do nothing and he will handle everything. I can’t help but feel useless and like I bring no value to my family. I have to stop and remind myself my identity is not what work I can do.

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The roller-coaster is open with no waiting

I just want to hear that voice that says forget my circumstances because the roller-coaster ride is open with no waiting.

It is hard to pin-point the moment that I knew that God was real. That moment when I recognized God alive and at work in my life. Now that I look back, I think much of the time, I never knew and just thought every encounter was normal.

When I was five years old and attending kindergarten I had a lot of trouble with my hearing. I was seriously hearing impaired. The other kids did not like to play with me because it was so hard to communicate with me. Little kids can be really cruel. I wanted to join with a couple of girls in the play-house and I asked if I could join them. Of course, they refused and I felt emotionally crushed. But I heard a voice say, the roller-coaster ride is open and there are no wait lines. So I ran to the ride and enjoyed several rides before it was time to go inside.

Then when I was twelve, I ended up in a situation of sexual abuse from a family member. I prayed to God to stop the abuse and save me. Again a voice said I should stand up to my abuser and just tell him to stop. I was terrified but I followed the directions and my abuser stopped.

When I was fourteen, I was emotionally compromised by the prior abuse and again I reached out to God and asked Him to give me a sign that He was real and that he cared about people. Again, He answered me and I had a direct encounter with his power and love.

When I was twenty-six God saved my life from an over-dose suicide attempt. He then freed me from a drug addiction.

When I was fifty-three and my mother was dying, I promised her I would be at her side in the last days. I remember my brother was angry at me for telling our mom that I would be with her at the end. He said there is no way you can make that promise to her. I answered him telling him that God would let me know when that time was at hand and I would fulfill my promise. I just knew that it was true and I was with her in her last days and by her side when she drew her last breath.

So when did I know?

I desire to hear that voice that says forget about those little girls and their playhouse, the rollercoaster is open with no waiting.

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In your own strength

Truth! Truth! We can do nothing in our own strength.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are difficult enemies to defeat. Addiction comes in bulk to our world in many forms whether it be eating disorders, pornography, or desire for money. It is anything that takes our eyes off our true purpose. Alcohol and drugs are heinous beasts destroying our bodies, our minds, and our families. The beasts create double mindness. On one hand we hate what the beasts do to us, our friends and families. On the other hand, we cannot seem to stop turning to them and the oblivion from a painful life we think they solve for a few hours.

While we see the damage the beasts (we are the beasts) do to others that we love, the chains tying us grow only stronger. We try to quit and leave the beasts only to be reeled in again and again. We resist turning to others for help. We are too weak to succeed. We are too proud to admit we are chained. We know we can break free on our own strength.

Lies, lies, and more lies whispered to us by the beasts. We listen and fall in deeper to the control. Of the beasts. We hate what we have become. Hopeless, hopeless, we think as the beasts continue to whisper their poisonous lies. We think we just need motivation to shake off those chains.

We manage to come clean for a little while. Then the beast smiles and beckons us again. We think just a little to relax and we give in to the smile and the chains snap tightly around us and we are where we started.

Truth! Truth! We can do nothing in our own strength. If we call on the Lord, humble ourselves and admit that we are not in control and that we need Him then he will fill us with the power, the desire and the motivation we need. He will break those chains that bind us so tightly to the beast.

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Friends

All of the friends I’ve had are gifts that I treasure whether they came into my life only for a reason, for a season or a life-time or a moment.

Friends are special people that we pick to surround ourselves. Hopefully we pick friends that are up-lifting and supportive. People that tell us the truth rather than what they think we want to hear. They are people we can always call on and know that they will come. They love us unconditionally. They light up our way. They don’t hesitate to call us out when we are wrong. They don’t avoid confrontations and are unafraid of straight talk.

I don’t have many friends. The ones I do have are like my sisters. Throughout my life I have had just a few close friends but when the season changed, so did my close friends. Then there are friends that you do not open to fully. You share only part of yourself because you know that they are not ones you should share all. Then there are friends that enter my life for just a season. They bring joy and clarity. Then there are friend that enter for only a reason to help me learn something or grow more.

All of the friends I’ve had are gifts that I treasure whether they came into my life only for a reason, for a season or a life-time or a moment.

I often make the mistake of thinking a close friend is a friend for life. It hurts when I see the distance growing. When I see that they don’t return my phone calls or answer my texts and when I am no longer invited to their home and we no longer do things together. That is when I realize that they were only a friend for a season or for a reason and not for life. Even with that realization, I am sad to see them go. It feels like each takes a piece of my heart.

The negative voices try to tell me that I behaved poorly and caused the friendship to die and that I am unworthy. I refuse to listen to that negativity. I know who I am and I know that I am loved. The battle has already been won! I thank the Lord for those friends -each and everyone of them, no matter if the friendship was only for a little while or for several years.

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Normal by Walking out of darkness into the Light

What is normal? We have to decide what “normal” means. Lets just say that “normal” is what society in our individual cultures say is “normal”. It is the expected pattern of behavior that the world, our society has put into place. Whether we admit it or not, we all have a level of comfort when we know what comes next and what we can expect. Normal is a description of our behavior in the world.

Christian are directed not to conform to the ways of the world and to live differently. Society says we should please ourselves first but we know that where we give to others is more rewarding and kind. Advertising sales themes say things like, “you are worth it” or “follow your heart” or “how to succeed”all of which emphasizes worldly “normal”. The world tells us to follow our hearts but we know that our hearts can be deceitful. The world says to have a perfect body but we know that godliness should be the goal.

Even the American church is wrapped up in “normal”. Certain speech and language is expected. Church memberships push to raise numbers. The longer and more emotionally charged the service becomes is the gold standard. Numerous programs and conferences are their normal. The Church has become a business.

There is a rising of Christians that are not satisfied to be “normal” or to “do church” the same old normal way.

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Walking in the Light #43- Sunday Church

Walking in the Light #42- The Sunday Church

The Sunday Church is Charismatic/Pentecostal. Service there is very different from the Saturday church. The first time I went was last Christmas and it was the children’s performance of the nativity scene. A lot of proud parents and grandparents and relatives enjoyed seeing their children. I did not have any children there so it was not as enjoyable for me. It was several weeks later before I attended service there again.

Worship service lasts almost an hour. That is when they play music and sing. Most of the congregation stands during this part of the service. The music is loud and consists of drums, guitars, keyboard, and violin. Gone is the music of my childhood Methodist church where there was only a choir and a single organist. Here at this church, the congregation raises their arms and some jump or twirl and some kneel in prayer, some lay on the floor and some in the back waive banners. Mostly I have found it  very distracting to me.

I find that I can barely keep from staring at all the activity. Finally, I have learned to just close my eyes and tune out the jumping, twirling, and just allow my thoughts to seek the Lord. When I tune out the distractions, I  feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I smell a sweet fragrance, almost like honeysuckle or like warm oil or like the air after a rain storm. I feel a gentle touch like a change in the air pressure on my skin and I am filled with a sense of acceptance and love braided together. I’m sorry that it is so hard to explain in words the sensations I experience there but words are just inadequate.  I know that most of you will not believe that what I feel is real and tangible and that it is not just a trick of my mind or a flashback from my drug days.  I accept that I will not be believed and it is ok because I’m certain that what I experience is real.

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The Sunday Church preaches the gospel and it is compelling and highly spiritual.  I’ve learned so much from their sermons.  Having no bible background, I have to take good notes and research the sermon later at home.

The Sunday church believes in leadership by a group of elders rather than a single pastor. One of the elders speaks strongly about the gifts of the spirit. He is a Profit of God.  Another elder is very knowledgeable about the Bible and teaches a lot about repentance and giving all to the Lord of yourself. He speaks very loudly, and passionately. He uses a microphone but I don’t think he needs it. He usually teaches the Wednesday bible study group. The third elder is more the traditional pastor personality but I have not gotten to know him very well as he was out sick for an extended time and now has gone out into the mission field.

It has been hard to get to know people in this congregation. I’ve been so closed off for so many years, it is a challenge for me to be open and connect with others. My method has been to watch people and I noticed that most regular attendees always sit in the same area. To get to know people, I have changed my seat from time to time so that I sit with a different group after a few Sundays. In a way that has been successful. I always go alone. I have a few friends from my ladies prayer group that attend that church but I usually can’t find any of them so I sit somewhere by myself. Also the majority of the congregation is made up of young people. I don’t have anything against young people but there are differences that make it hard to establish a rapport.

Attending a large church where I don’t know more than ten people has been and continues to be a huge challenge for me. The church membership is about one hundred and fifty and there are always lots of visitors or others that attend regularly.  I keep going and trying. I’m set to join the Greeter’s team next month and maybe that will help. I try to attend some of the extra activities too. Once I brought a visually attractive desert and that got a lot of attention so the other women spoke to me and it helped to break the ice. I’m fighting years of bad habits and it is not easy to change. The Saturday church is a little easier because it is smaller.

 

The Last 300 Days

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions. My father used to say, failure to make a decision, inaction, is a decision. As a young girl with my weekly allowance in hand, I struggled to chose which treat to buy at the local mini-mart, trying to maximize my twenty-five cent allowance. Later in life, the decisions became more complex but jut a difficult to make.

My career ended up being one full of decision making tasks. I learned to carefully analyze and seek out all the facts before reaching a decision. My family life has also been full of emotionally charged choices, decisions. It should not be a surprise that my personal life has followed the same pattern.

I’ve made my decision to change my career and now I’m walking through the last 300 days before the change. Like every other decision I’ve made, I’ve tried to analyze all the factors and take all the prepatory actions. Still there is that hesitation. Have I considered all the facts? I have I looked at and investigated every facet? I have traveled this road before. By the world view, there is no way to consider every possible future event and be fully prepared when changing careers. This fact is especially true when you do not know what your next career will be and you only know that the current one is drawing to a close.

No, I don’t know what the next chapter will be and I have to trust that this is the right path to take. Whatever is next will be a full one with many decisions, choices. But I’m certain that it will be rewarding, exciting, and fullfilling.

Over the Rainbow Bridge by Walking in the Light

Pets become part of our families and bring so much joy to our day-to-day lives. Nothing could be truer than my dog Champ. Somehow they take up a permanent space in our lives and hearts. It was a sad day as I said good-bye to my best dog. My favorite dog, Champ.

I got Champ when he was just six-weeks old. He was a pure-breed Maltese that did not pass his health exam due to a heart defect. The breeder was unable to sell him and I offered to take him. For the first two years, no one would ever suspect that he had any health issues. My children were young and enjoyed the games of chase and the pure energy of the puppy.

Champ was bold, confident, brave and outgoing. He had many of the qualities I wished I had. He was so vivacious and intelligent. He quickly became a favorite with the whole family. When he was around three years old, he began to exhibit symptoms of his heart condition and was started on various heart medications. He adapted well to the medications and quickly returned to his normal activities. As the years passed, he began to have orthopedic issues with his knee coming out of place and various sprains and strains. But each time he bravely faced the problem and was able to recover. He just never seemed to let anything get him down for long.

Just after Champ had his 12th birthday, we noticed he was slowing down and did not seem to be his usual energetic self. Finally his little heart that had worked so hard, began to falter. He was very tired and his breathing was labored. I took him to the vet and they said his symptoms were typical for his heart condition and that it was amazing that he enjoyed such a full life as long as he had. I tried the last thing possible to see if he would surprise us all and bounce back but it quickly became obvious that Champ was being called to travel over the Rainbow Bridge.

The family gathered, including the kids who are now young men and we loved on Champ, thanked God for allowing this little dog to be a part of our lives and said our tearful good-byes, releasing the little dog we loved to go over the Rainbow Bridge.

My Sister

Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone new. The old person is gone and in her place stands a new person full of hope, joy and peace.

My sister and I are as different as any two people could possibly be. She is as far west as I am south. We do have some similar characteristics. We are both determined, we are both passionate, we are both focused. I remember she used to tell me that I am a woman-man. I’m not sure what that means exactly. When she said it, it sounded like an alternative life-style. I’ve thought about her comment over the years trying to decide what she meant.

I think she was saying that I don’t fit into the typical female stereo-type. For instance, I hate to shop. If I have to do it, I just want to go to the store, know exactly where in the store the item is located, and looking neither right nor left, head straight to the item and immediately head to check-out. I do not browse. I don’t go for all the fancy make-up and clothing. It is just not me.

Also I think she was trying to say that my thought patterns are very logical and analytical so that she believes that is more of a masculine nature. It is true, that I’m able to analyze things and rearrange the analysis into a practical straightforward report. However, I think that my sister does not know me as well as she may think. Of course she has me all figured out so she has put any further consideration to bed because in her mind it is done.

I’ve taken many “color” personality quizzes and other quizzes to determine if I am “right brain” or “left brain”. Interestingly enough they all suggest that I am equally emotional, creative and analytical. All of those quizzes and tests on personality types and “love language” are out there because everyone is searching for the answer to the question “who am I”? Or, alternatively, “what is my purpose”.

It is true that I’m not the person is used to be. I am a changed person. I hope and pray that I am a growing person. I used to be a bitter, angry person. I was so broken. But you know what? I’m not that person now. That hateful, grudge holding, sad, pitiful person is dead! Dead! Dead! Good riddance to her!

I did not realize the person I had become. I wore the “victim’s” shroud like a shield. When I finally had to look at myself, I did not like the person looking back. When I saw how nasty that old person was, I had to go to my Father and ask for forgiveness and help to change. The change has not been easy but it has been worthwhile. I soak in my Father’s words. I fight to stop all negative thoughts and look forward, not to the right and not to the left and not to the past. Now when I look into the mirror, I see someone new. I see hope. I feel peace and I have joy.

The old person is gone and in her place stands a new one. My father does not remember the old person and neither do I.

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